Let’s Not Even Get Into the Tree Puns

January 13, 2011

So, on a recent heroic Vortex Pinnacle run, Altairus deigned to cough up his Axe of Ambiguity for me. I was thrilled, as it was a nice upgrade over the quested Twilight Highlands mace I’d been swinging around, which had always looked like nothing so much as a glorified meat tenderizer to me. (Not that there’s anything wrong with simple weapon designs- the swords I like best just look like swords- but Jujutan is a crusader for righteous sun worship, not a chef.) Since I deemed that worth enchanting, I looked up desirable tanking enchants. Since the good one costs six maelstrom crystals and I’m not likely to be able to afford that in a looong time, I figured mending was a reasonably cheap compromise, at least until I get something I can expect to be keeping so long windwalk is worth saving my gold for.

Which is how I came to look like this:

Ossifer Tree termed it “the place where particle effects go to die”. I think it looks like there’s a druid furiously masturbating in my pocket. Stingray wants to know if I’m going to go hang out in Moonglade and offer respecs. Caffeinated Kitty wanted to know if those are pot leaves. (NO THEY ARE NOT GOD DAMMIT.) Thing One and Thing Two simply cowered before me.

Dammit, I have nothing against druids, but I’m a paladin; they’re meant to be draped in bits of plantlife and animal parts, and I’m meant to be draped in holy vengeance. When I was still wearing my Wrath stuff, my upper body was on fire with righteousness and I was clad in black steel. Now I’m more or less metallic in appearance, but I’m also constantly covered in swirling leaves, which is by far the more visually arresting- especially if I’m mounted on the Sparklepony, in which case I’m constantly trailing a vigorous effects cloud of stars and leaves. I look like the Wizard of Cannabis.

I have never been more tempted to buy gold.


Aloha, LOL

May 7, 2010

Warcraft, like any other large-scale hobby with a devoted following, has a great deal of its own language. “Tank”, “DPS”, “PST”, “LoS”, “pull”, “boomkin”, they all mean exactly doodly squat to someone who doesn’t play and they’ll all get you called noob if you don’t know what they mean. But in the entire game, is there any so versatile a term as “lol”? In the greater internet it tends to mean “I am laughing out loud right now”, but over my career in the World of Warcraft, especially its pickup groups and battlegrounds, I have come to find that it can mean so many more things.


“I am furious with you right now”

“I love you”

“I’m going AFK to do my taxes and send in some suggestions on balancing the national budget, someone else heal”

“I’m sorry, was that fourteen mobs? I thought it was the win button.”

“Check it out, this stuff on the ground tickles.”

“I am a complex tapestry of shaded emotions.”

“I am the vampiric bastard child of Kael’thas and Sylvanas.”

“I am extremely impaired right now.”

“I hate you all.”

“Group one go north and take stables, group two hold lumber mill, the rest of you defend farm”

“Please tip 10% of mats cost”

“I’m sorry, I have no gear, gold, or brain cells, could you let me skate on this and just get what I want anyway please?”

“Goodness that wipe was spectacular, who was healing while I was on my smoke break, they must have sucked.”

“I find the existential nature of our situation to be truly side-splitting. Also I am so baked right now.”


“Real tanks don’t need defense”

“I am sorry, I am deeply embarrassed right now and have nothing else to say.”

“I find the expectations you have burdensome.”

“Check it out, my toes are made of pizza.”

“GTG, raid”

“I exist to infuriate you.”

Gchat Quote of the Day

April 20, 2010

From one of our rogues, who is also the mother of a seven-month-old:

“My daughter has officially the learned the ‘drop a toy, then knock mommy out of stealth when she reaches for it’ game.”

Guild consensus: roll a hunter for the kid.

How 2 Huntar

March 17, 2010

As suggested on the Single Abstract Noun forums, since so many of us are getting started with levelling all over again and many of us are scraping the barrel for content like a meth cooker scraping the beaker for crystal, why not turn our experiences into guide form?

The problem is I’m not actually very good with levelling guides, because I’m really not that good at levelling. I’m a very happy camper at endgame when I can spend hours researching how to gear and spec and glyph and gem for content way more hardcore than I’m actually doing, but while levelling I tend to bumble around a lot, find the most inefficient questing paths possible, get sidetracked trying to level tradeskills strictly off mats farmed during said inefficient bumbling, and generally take two to three times as long to level as any other person that’s gone through this process once already. Going to me as authority on levelling anything is like taking painting tips from Stevie Wonder.

I am, however, good at snarking my way through things I’m not actually any good at, so I can at least get some material out of THAT if people find it amusing enough not to want to tell me to stuff it after the third or fourth ADD-alt guide to levelling something badly. So let’s kick it off with something I came up with during the process of realizing that I really prefer actually shooting at animals I hope to eat in lieu of playing a hunter in-game.

How 2 Huntar!

Levels 1-10: Welcome to being a ranged DPS class with no means of keeping enemies at range other than running away from them! Those of you who are playing their umptieth alt may use this period to master the basics of kiting and more advanced skills like jump-shotting; the rest of you will be meleeing away and wondering why you don’t get Raptor Strike until level 8.

Level 10: go get a pet. There is a quest for this, and the quest giver will be very coy about the mechanics of taming. Have an exciting time being chewed on. As far as your choice of pet goes, if you’re playing for efficiency you’ll get a bear or a boar; they eat everything and develop into excellent pet-tanks. Of course, you actually tamed the coolest-looking thing you could find, so enjoy your cat, raptor, or dragonhawk.

Also at level ten you get your first talent point. Hunters get three talent trees, each with its own unique flavor. Ponder in depth the kind of hunter you want to become- focused on increasing your DPS via a complex shot rotation, focused on synergy with your pet, or focused on the class’s other utility features; now put all that aside and level as Beastmastery because otherwise you’ll be spending most of your time tanking mobs with your face.

Levels 10-80: Tell your pet to attack the mob. Shoot the mob. You win. Keep your melee weapons levelled too if you want, who the hell cares. You have the option to instance if you want to experience your class in a group setting; as your options for groupings mostly consist of people even more clueless than you and will probably slow down your levelling, you will most likely opt not to. Besides, some warrior will probably keep stealing aggro from your pet and the healer probably won’t heal him at all. Who needs that kind of aggravation?

Level 80: As the meanest DPS class around, now it is time to go show the rest of the battlegroup what you’re made of. At this point, you have a chore; drag out your spellbook, hotkey all the blatantly ridiculous skills you may or may not have bothered to train like Distracting Shot, Misdirection, any and all traps, and start relearning everything about how to play your class except the part where you stay at range from the mob. (Unless you liked swinging your axe so much at level 8 you’ve been playing a melee hunter- what else are those talents in the Survival tree FOR?) Whether you elect to stay as Beastmastery, with its challenging two-button rotation, or explore the strange and foreign other trees, your spec will need to be entirely reworked. Alternatively, keep pressing the win button- it’s worked for eighty levels so far.

Optional: You may decide to raid. In this case you will definitely have to go the “relearn your entire class” route. Be advised that your primary role has changed from keeping your pet alive while alternating Serpent Sting and Volley. Now you must work out your optimal shot rotation, as the mystery of why you have more than one shot has been revealed via the utterings of the sage oracle “Recount” that people keeping putting in party chat at the end of the instance. You also must manage your pet so that it does not stand in bad or attack things the tank has not yet elected to attack. Most of all, be aware that your job in raids will be one of two things; either you will be standing still shooting either one thing or a target-swapping variety of things, or you will be assigned the oddball job in the raid. Whether it’s kiting hordes of zombies, tricking an angry cat lady, keeping slimes annoyed, or slowing any variety of other things down, this will add spice, variety, and ulcers to your life while the melee DPS and the magic froofs supplicate the god Recount.

Dear Wintergrasp Rogue Gankers

February 27, 2010

I realize you probably feel about paladins in general the same way I feel about frost mages, and yes, the paladin standing motionlessly in front of the quartermasters probably is not paying much attention and generally not ready for a fight. However, in the future when choosing your gank targets, you may wish to pay attention to the big, obvious gnome-coffin shield and the less obvious but equally telling face-smashing one-hander.

If you should choose to proceed apace, in the time it takes her to notice you, close her inventory window, close the vendor window, and put on a seal, not only will she have recovered from the stunlock, not even half her health will be gone and she will be very annoyed with you indeed.

Rocket Bear

February 16, 2010

Screenshot by, and of, Ossifer Bear. Improvised lyrics by Stingray.

Only his absurdly high armor score keeps this thing from neutering him.

Rizz packed my shirt last night pre-flight
Zero hour 8:45 server.
And I’m gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss Thunder Bluff so much, I miss my heals
It’s lonely on the Skybreaker
On such a timeless fight

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
‘Til touchdown brings me ’round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh, no no no…

ROCKET BEAR! Watch my fuzzy ass sail through the sky!
ROCKET BEAR! If I’m quick Thraps & Laedi might not die!

Icecrown ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it’s cold as hell
And there’s traps all over Thraps misses if you did
And all these fights I don’t understand
It’s just my job three days a week
A rocket bear, a rocket bear.

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
‘Til touchdown brings me ’round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh, no no no…

(Thraps would be Stingray. Rizz is Holy Terror, lead healer and Ossifer Bear’s wife to boot. Laedi is our kitty too new to have a nickname.)